I only know two things about Eastbourne. It claims to be the "sunniest place in Britain" and has the highest consumption of Tena Lady panty pads in the country. But today, I'm going to try to crack a fiendishly difficult murder mystery and learn vastly more about this seaside town as I go.
I've arrived at the Mowbray B&B where Darren, the landlord, has handed me my Murder Mystery Trail Walking Pack. I've got to follow a string of 18 clues, taking me around Eastbourne and work out whodunnit and what they dunnit with. "Nobody gets it all right," he tells me, shaking his head sadly. "It's really difficult."
My pal Alison is sceptical. "How hard can it be?" she says, frowning. "I mean, really?"
Darren looks at her and raises his eyebrows. He's been here before, I sense. We're the cocky out-of-towners who think the trail is a breeze. "You'll see," he says, pursing his lips.
Darren is an interesting fellow. He was a child actor and once appeared with Alison Steadman in a production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. "I loved her," he tells me. He was also, much to my delight, the face of Fruit Wrinkles. I don't know what Fruit Wrinkles are. I suspect I never will. But Darren's greatest claim to fame was being in a Radion Automatic advert that was so controversial, it was featured on Richard & Judy. "It was banned," Darren tells me, with a proud nod, "for sexism."
I'll come clean. We try to winkle some of the answers to the trail out of Darren before we head off but he's having none of it and besides, he's busy. "Tommy Steele is on round the corner," he tells me, "and we're rammed." So off we go, booklet of clues in hand, and ready ourselves for some amateur sleuthing.
Sylvia Slopstone, the manager of a successful cleaning firm, has been found dead under a sink. It's a bad business. And somehow, Alison and I have got to solve the murder.
We begin at Eastbourne Pier, where we're told, "The first clue is below where eight spheres shine at night." All very well, except we can't find the eight spheres. "Hmm," I say, staring up and around. "This is harder than I thought."
"Got them!" yells Alison, pointing, and we find ourselves, bending down and taking letters from an oval plaque, which give us the surname of a suspect who can be eliminated.
We are very pleased with ourselves. According to the pamphlet, we should have this case solved in two hours. "Then we can go to the pub," says Alison, grinning.
Except the next three clues aren't quite so straightforward. Clue 2 has us utterly stumped, Clue 3 is deemed "unacceptable" and by Clue 4, Alison is angrily pointing at a random brass plaque by the bandstand and demanding to know, "Why isn't THAT a clue? WHY?" There are 18 clues to solve in all. And we're already broken.
There is no doubt about it. The Eastbourne Murder Mystery Trail is fricking difficult.
Like proper detectives, we stop off at Central Eating (facebook.com/centraleating), a wondrous little cafe in Terminus Street, fuel up on delicious proper old-fashioned fishfinger sandwiches and chip butties, and battle on. It's getting dark but we are now so deep into this mystery that we're both channelling Sarah Lund and have become slightly deranged. Finally, after four hours and three visits to Clue 2 where Alison suddenly finds what we're looking for and screams "EMMMMAAAAAA!", like Rocky calling for Adrian, we think we have our killer. We embrace each other as if we've just reached the peak of Everest. I am practically in tears. Sylvia Slopstone, your death has been avenged.
The trail is great. It's a brilliant and different way to visit Eastbourne, you get a real sense of discovery and achievement, it's genuinely challenging and it's fun. But my word, it was hard. "Can we go to the pub now?" asks Alison, spatchcocked with tiredness.
Yes. Yes we can.
• B&B doubles at The Mowbray (01323 720012, themowbray.com) start at £69, and the Murder Mystery Trail Pack costs £5.99
Follow Emma on Twitter @EmmaK67
