The city: Milan, the Italian capital of cool; the birthplace of Prada, Armani and Missoni, home of Donatella Versace. My mission: to enjoy a stylish weekend of shopping and self-indulgence, rubbing shoulders with the beautiful people in exclusive bars, hanging out in chic boutique hotels and picking up a designer label or two. Not too arduous an assignment, admittedly, but there is a catch. I have to do it all on a budget tighter than a pair of Jean Paul Gaultier leather leggings. £200. That kind of money won't even buy you a pair of Prada flip-flops, but I'll do my best.
First, the flights. I'm in luck. Ryanair has tickets from Luton to Milan for £30 return including taxes. It's a 6.30am departure, but bargain-hunters can't be choosy.
Stylish but cheap accommodation is harder to find. With fashionable boltholes such as the Bulgari hotel costing £400 a night, I must trawl the discount-hotel websites. The Hotel Charly on hostelworld.com seems to have a semblance of style, though the photograph is blurry. But for £24 a night it's a steal. I book it for two nights. So far my flights and accommodation have cost me £78, leaving a total of £122 to spend in Milan.
The reality of the hotel doesn't quite live up to the snapshot. The faded glamour is a little too faded and the murky bedrooms put the 'old' rather than the 'fashion' into old-fashioned. I can't invite Donatella round for martinis, but with its antique chandeliers and decorative spiral staircase, it has a certain charm.
Across the park lies the garden of temptation - streets of designer stores and boutiques that weave and link like strings of pearls and form the main shopping district around Quadrilatero d'Oro. If I earned a six-figure salary and had a wallet full of gold cards I'd know exactly how to spend my time in Milan - by going completely Coleen McLoughlin retail crazy. But I'm skint.
I drink a latte macchiato in the Gucci cafe in the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II, a magnificently sparkly glass-roofed arcade, then head for Milan's discount designer stores. With no money for taxis, finding them involves figuring out the confusing tram system, so I pass a few hours without spending a thing. Studio K, in the far east of the city on Viale Bianca Maria, is only worth the long trek if you like the flashy, ultra-sexy-to-the-point-of-tacky end of Italian fashion, but in the main designer shopping area, Basement, on Via Senato, has La Perla underwear for £20 a set and in hip D Magazine, on Via Montenapoleone, I snap up a gorgeous Miu Miu purse for £26. Just to make it clear I am now a fully-fledged fashionista, I also purchase some socks from the Armani Emporium on Via Manzoni.
I've achieved my goal of bagging a designer label, now I just have to eke out my meagre funds for the rest of my stay. I spend an hour sipping an espresso, very slowly, in the opulent lounge of the Four Seasons hotel, a gorgeous 15th-century monastery that has been converted into a shrine to luxury.
Then it's off to the Galleria Monica De Cardenas on Via Vigano for an art fix. There are few better ways for cheapskates to while away an afternoon than at one of Milan's many free galleries, or in the beautiful Duomo (cathedral). The rooftop viewing gallery has closed for the day when I visit, but at least missing the world-famous view has saved me a few euros. What a Scrooge I've become, I think, before going to snack on complimentary cheese samples at the evening market on Largo La Foppa.
The greatest money-saving scam in the city is the brilliant aperitivo tradition, when, every evening, Milan's bars draw in the punters by offering delicious free food when you buy a drink. Trays of tapas-type dishes are laid along the bar: salamis, cheeses, salads, dips and pasta, biscotti and cakes. In the UK, everyone would go mad, stuffing their faces for the price of a Diet Coke and filling carrier bags with free pies. I have to remember to mimic the Milanese, who take the ritual slowly, hovering at the bar nursing glasses of prosecco and lightly nibbling carrot sticks before eventually taking a small plateful of goodies.
The canal-side area of Navigli is the main aperitivo area, and dozens of stylish bars provide tasty morsels. I fill up at trendy Le Biciclette, which offers good cocktails and an Ibiza soundtrack; and Caffe Del La Posterla, a lovely wine bar with bare stone arches.
The fashionable bars around the Piazza Vestia are worth a look, including the white-walled Exploit and 20, which has Brit-pop artwork and a camouflage- print DJ booth. I'm turned away from the city's most exclusive haunt, the Just Cavalli bar, because they're 'fully booked', so to avoid repeat rejection at the D&G Martini bar, I visit the next afternoon when it's quiet and ordering one small beer doesn't appear stingy.
Saving money on evening meals means I can afford to eat out at the exclusive restaurants earlier in the day, when they are more affordable. One morning I breakfast in the stunning Bulgari, a sleek, minimalist hotel with masculine black and grey interiors. I order scrambled eggs, which looks a cheap option, until I stupidly agree to a glass of orange juice which costs €10 (£6.87). Still, the elegant surroundings justify the cost.
For a final treat, I book a table at Nobu in the Armani Emporium. Sounds indulgent, but this branch is cheaper than the one in the UK, especially at lunch. A large dish of sashimi with tempura, soup and salad costs only £15. Outside, a dainty model is taking part in a fashion shoot. I congratulate myself on the successful completion of my mission: I've done the city in style and still come in under budget. But then the food takes an hour and a half to materialise. I suddenly realise I'm going to miss the early coach to the airport. Having just about spent my £200, I can't afford a taxi. But it's still two hours to my flight so I should make it.
Then disaster strikes. The traffic is horrendous and the journey takes twice as long as expected. The check-in desk closes as I arrive, the staff shake their heads and I am forced to pay my way onto a later flight. However hard you scrimp, these extra costs crop up, and having spent my emergency fund on Armani socks, it takes me over budget. Damn you, Nobu.
Final reckoning
The verdict: failed!
But only just. If I hadn't missed the flight, I would have done the weekend within the budget, including coffee at Gucci and the Four Seasons, drinks at the D&G bar and designer purchases.
Miser's tips
Save money by eating aperitivo dishes given out for free with drinks in bars and walk or use the trams when possible. Don't miss your flight!
Contacts
Ryanair (0906 270 5656; www.ryanair.com); Hotel Charly (00 39 022 047 190; www.hotelcharly.com)
