Age: It's been inhabited for about 8,000 years.

Appearance: Sunny, sandy, sangria-y.

Ah yes, the nonpareil of Mediterranean holiday destinations for young folk with the whole partying-and-massive-drugtaking sections of their lives ahead of them! And for celebrities.

Ooh, that's right! Boris Becker and Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas own houses there, don't they? Indeed they do.

And I'm sure I've seen pictures of Kate Moss and Eva Longoria lounging tinily about on local yachts. And Jude and Sienna have been, and Beyoncé and Jay-Z and Steve McManaman and Formula One star Fernando Alonso, plus of course a lavish sprinkling of model girlfriends and … And David and Samantha Cameron.

What? The prime minister and his family are on holiday there this year.

Oh God. Is there nothing he's not out to ruin for the British people? Was dad-dancing with Boris at the Olympics not sufficient for one week? The man needs a break. It gets harder and harder to work out how to take more and more from people who have less and less, you know. He needs a little R'n'R before getting reading to swing that heavy, heavy axe again.

I'm cancelling my flight. Bradley Wiggins is out there too, if that helps restore some karmic balance to the island mix.

Now there's a man who deserves a break. Indeed. He's staying in Port de Pollenca, which is in the quiet north-east corner of the island, with his wife and two children.

Aw! Is he having fun? Well, he has been seen eating a pie and smoking a cigarette.

Go Bradley! And if he bumps into the Camerons he'll be able to jump on his bike and get away really fast.

That's true. You can't catch up with Wiggins even if you're not made of evil Spam. So be of good cheer and enjoy your holiday. Bring me back a wicker donkey and a sobrassada sausage as a souvenir. Ta.

Do say: "Donde estan los delightful sites de grande natural beauty y interes historical on your isla maravillosa?"

Don't say: "Donde esta el prime minister de Grande Britain, por favor? Porque yo would like a word with him."