It is on the fifth day that most honeymooners start to think about trying to get arrested. Typically, they are sitting at the very tip of Cocoa Island, compliant sand moulding itself gently around their bottoms, the warm blue water of the lagoon flirtatiously caressing their soles. Bellies full of fresh lobster, cocktails cool in their hands, faces rose-tinted by the setting sun, they suddenly remember that they have only two days left. At this point, it would be natural to contemplate any means of staying here - although probably not, on reflection, in the Maafushi prison, just visible a mile or two across the water on the next island of the archipelago.
Cocoa is devoted to its visitors' pleasure, with nothing here except the hotel, spa and dive centre. "Discovered" by photographer Eric Klemm while on a shoot for Playboy in the early 1970s, the tiny strip of sand has been a resort for some years, but is only now reopening after an extensive refurbishment to bring it up to the standards expected of new owner Christina Ong by her celebrity clientele.
In fact, Cocoa is just the latest jewel in Ong's already sparkling tiara: Parrot Cay, her Turks & Caicos outpost, is a favourite of Julia Roberts, Paul McCartney and Britney Spears, while London's Metropolitan and Halkin hotels count both Leonardo DiCaprio and Harrison Ford as fans.
Management here is appropriately discreet about which A-listers they are expecting in the next few months, but the rest of the staff are a little less coy: Bruce Willis, Matt Damon and Donna Karan are all names you can hear whispered on the wind, while the Corrs are apparently beating down the bleached palmwood door to get in.
Such VIPs are met at the airport by the presidential yacht. No hotel trade hyperbole this; the boat really does belong to the president of the Maldives, and is borrowed by Cocoa on odd days (which seem to coincide with arrivals on Qatar Airways, so there's a tip for you). Then, 30 minutes across the South Male Atoll, you step on to the jetty at Cocoa Island and abandon your cares along with your footwear: you will not be needing either for the duration of your stay.
Cocoa defines barefoot luxury. A 10-minute walk long and two-minute walk wide, the whole island is one simple sandbank. There is nothing unpleasant to encounter underfoot - just yard upon yard of icing-sugar-soft sand, and the warm wooden floors of the open-walled restaurant and bar. In the middle of the island, there's a refreshingly shady grove of palms and hammocks, but the only hard surface here is that of the stones placed picturesquely around the infinity pool, in the style of a Zen garden.
The rooms themselves are dhonis (local fishing boats), all "moored" to a long wooden walkway that bends round to join the island at each end but snakes its way over the waters of the lagoon. Land-lubbers need not fear: these "boats" are fixed firmly in place, so there's no rocking. But it is less gimmicky than it sounds. At high tide, the waters lap quietly at the timbers of your dhoni - and if the oft-threatened rise in water level ever does submerge the Maldives (the highest point of which is only six foot above sea level), you can always cut your moorings and float off into your own (air-conditioned) waterworld.
The rooms are elegantly uncluttered, but attention has obviously been paid to the details. There is sensual pleasure in even the most easily overlooked items - not just the handmade coconut oil soap, for instance, but its woven muslin wrapper and carved wooden dish.
By far the best thing about the rooms, though, is their back end. All face the same way, so that both the beds and French windows look "backwards" out to sea; and each has a poop deck that serves not only as a balcony, but as your personal direct access to the Indian Ocean. Actually, the balconies are a bit small, and have no shade - but what they do have is a little stepladder leading down into the lagoon, which means you could (albeit with a fairly sturdy shove) literally roll out of your bed and into the crystal-clear, mulled wine-warm water. It will come up to about your shins, so you can either lie there with everything but your head submerged, as if in God's own bath, or potter out the 50-odd metres to the reef.
Here you will find the most breathtaking snorkelling. The reef is narrow, but rings the whole island; at its edge is an awe-inspiring drop-off, as the sea floor plunges vertiginously from a depth of about two feet to something unfathomable. And although the coral itself lost much of its colour after El Niño thoughtlessly raised water temperatures throughout the region, the marine life is as unashamedly garish as a child's colouring book. In just one swim we saw stingrays, turtles, sharks and enough varieties of fish to fill a thousand corporate fishtanks.
Scuba types are equally spoiled. On the other side of Cocoa is the Vadhoo channel - one of the best dive sites in the Maldives (and, arguably, the world), with an unrivalled number of trips to suit different tastes and levels of experience. As a bonus, Michael, who runs the operation, is enthusiastic and accommodating. But then the attentiveness throughout Cocoa is impressive.
Indeed, after a few days you suspect Ong of having even trained the wildlife for your convenience. You need not wet your feet to see some of the atoll's other inhabitants. Stingray, octopus and baby sharks all congregate obediently around the dhonis (nothing to be scared of; they flee at lightning speed if you get anywhere near them), and at dusk dolphins can sometimes be seen disporting themselves out beyond the reef.
The sea life can also be seen from the new spa pavilion, which is set in a dhoni. The Shambhala spa will for many be Cocoa's chief attraction, just as it is at Parrot Cay. "It is more than just a spa," explains Ong, "it is a sanctuary where mind, body and spirit are nurtured holistically." (Sounds like a spa to us.) The menu includes yoga, hydrotherapy and Ayurvedic treatments, as well as Shambhala's signature hour-long full-body massage. Even spa-sceptics should try something here: the surroundings are restful perfection, the staff more graceful than humans have a right to be.
The food at Cocoa also has a strong subcontinental influence: it's a mix of Indian and Sri Lankan, with just the slightest nod towards Maldivian cuisine ("Because there isn't any," insists the Australian head chef, "unless you count tuna curry three times a bloody day.") The menu changes nightly - but only in small increments, just a couple of dishes giving way to new ones each evening. The food is splendid, and appealingly light (a bonus, bearing in mind you will probably have done nothing all day) - and improved tenfold by being eaten with your feet planted in the sand.
It is expensive - as is everything here - and visitors are, to a large extent, a captive market. But you will not spend much on anything else. People vacate the bar early, and the only "entertainment" on offer, thankfully, is the loan of DVDs from the hotel's library (the chief amusement is trying to fathom the Maldivian censorship policy: even Mary Poppins had to be cut before it was allowed in).
As ever, the best things are free. It costs nothing to stare up at the countless stars from the deck of your dhoni, to skinnydip in the warm, velvety darkness, or to sit listening to the faint echo of a muezzin's call to prayer drifting in on the wind from a neighbouring island. True, it costs plenty to get here, and most of the guests are trip-of-a-lifetime honeymooners. But while Cocoa is indeed the perfect honeymoon destination, there's no reason to let the newlyweds have all the fun.
Way to go
Getting there: ITC Classics (0870 7519490, itcclassics.co.uk) offers seven nights' B&B at Cocoa Island in a dhoni suite from £1,585 per person, including return economy flights with Qatar from London Heathrow via Doha to the Maldives followed by return boat transfers, based on two sharing. Excluding festive and peak dates, 14 nights' B&B costs from £2,133pp.
Further information:
Country code: 00 1 960.
Time difference: +5 hrs.
Flight time London-Doha-Male: 13hrs.
£1 = 20.63 rufiyaas.
