The women behind the counter at Port Stephens tourist information centre arched an eyebrow knowingly. "You want... directions for Bardots...?" she hesitated, before resuming customer service tones. "Yes, of course, sir."
The bus driver also seemed keen to savour a moment of hesitation. "Two tickets for... Bardots," he smiled, waiting for the words to resonate around the crowded bus. "Certainly."
Moments later we were stood outside the entrance, where a discreet sign was inscribed "Bardots. A Clothes Optional Recreation Park for The Whole Family". My girlfriend and I exchanged nervous glances. A weekend delving into the world of the nudist lay beyond.
The naturist dollar is big business in Australia. The first nudist club in Australia, the New South Wales Sun and Country Club, opened its doors in 1932. Since then, the number of Australian nudists has swelled to over 300,000, with over 100 clubs now spread throughout its states. Bardots was one of the most successful and will be sorely missed by the naturists of New South Wales as, since our visit, it has been closed.
In its hey-day, Bardots, styled itself as a "clothing optional" resort, and an ideal place for first time naturists. Two hours' drive north of Sydney, its Port Stephens base was a popular area with weekending Sydney-siders who enjoyed dolphin-watching trips and quad-biking across the giant sand dunes that hug the bay.
The Bardots village was built on the edge of Samurai Beach, which remains one of the most beautiful of New South Wales' five legal clothing-optional beaches and a base for the annual Samurai Beach naturist carnival.
"We're clothing optional as opposed to strictly enforcing total nudity at all times as some clubs do. We're trying to encourage people to open their minds and try the lifestyle," explained Jim Punch, the middle-aged owner of Bardots, as he greeted me at the gate, clad only in a strategically wrapped sarong.
"We've had high court judges, lay preachers and politicians," he added. "25% of our clientele are first time nudists and, once they've been here a few days, they realise naturism is not about sex or perversion, it's a genuinely natural pursuit,"
The next morning, my first day as a trainee naturist (they prefer the term to nudist), found me facing a dilemma. As I nervously peered outside the chalet, I wondered how to react should I feel myself getting, you know, overexcited.
Thankfully Twiggy, Jim's partner, was on hand at breakfast with a list of FAQs which addressed some of the burning etiquette issues like: Are you allowed to peek? What if it's a bit chilly? And just where do I put my mobile phone?
"Most guys ask the erection question," she smiled, placing two poached eggs before us. "My advise is that, if you feel excited, just take a swim or roll over on your towel."
After breakfast, and nude aside from a dousing of factor 30, we headed to Samurai beach, a 15-minute walk through the sand dunes to where crystal blue waters lap a long sandy beach.
It was my virgin skinny-dipping experience but, hey, it felt good. Kinda natural and not at all kinky. We lay and baked in the sun for a while and, only when one of the local 4WD sand buggy tours passed along the beach, did I feel the need to reach for a good book to cover my blushes.
Back at the resort, the day's activity schedule was in full, erm, swing. A few people lay by the pool (nude, and I mean really nude), one couple were playing tennis (nude apart from Nikes) and a group of people were letting it all hang out on the volleyball court (nude, natch).
Feeling a little exposed, we headed for the hot spa where we could survey the scene from a secluded spot. But, just as we were relaxing amongst the warm bubbles, Michael and Marie, two nude and proud 40-somethings from Brisbane, asked to join us.
"What I like most about naturist resorts," enthused Michael, clearly unfazed by the fact he was striking up a conversation with two complete strangers while going commando, "is the way naturism makes people equal. It says, 'Here I am, I've nothing to hide'."
And clearly he didn't as, with that, he clambered out and went to lay on the grass, revelling in his glorious nudity as we exchanged nervous smiles with his wife.
Genesis chapter two verse 25 informs us that Adam and Eve "were naked and not ashamed" until the unfortunate apple incident, a fact reflected, no doubt, by the apparent dearth of orchards surrounding today's naturist resorts.
The primary message I got from talking to the guests, hanging out at Bardot's - quite literally that weekend was that they are not ashamed. Indeed, the naturist lifestyle (and it is very much a lifestyle choice) is based on respect and acceptance of others on their own terms.
In short, if you're looking for an orgy, then you've come to the wrong place. And, if you adhere to concepts of body fascism or exhibitionism, then go elsewhere. Naturism is not for you.
"We're now seeing more young couples, families and business people who come to escape their stress though nudity. We had one businessman from Holland who lay naked by the pool for 42 days and said he'd never felt better," explained Jim. "Psychologists say we take off our worries when we take off our clothes."
And, over the weekend, I did grow slowly accustomed to striding around the resort with my meat and two veg swaying gently in the breeze. But one question still bugged me: what do nudists do all day?
The answer, it appeared, was nothing. To be nude was, for many, raison d'etre enough. To the dedicated clothes-shedder, nude equals free and unburdened with material concerns unlike us textiles. Nudists want to get nude and just be.
Sadly, since my visit, the body fascists have struck at Bardots. The Crown Land title leasehold for the site was sold for $2m to Port Stephens Council last year, spelling the end of Bardots. The village will remain a holiday resort but clothes will be required by future guests and naturists banned.
The move came as a blow to the Australian Nudist Federation who deemed the 10-year-old clothing-optional resort "the best in the world." They contend that Bardots was closed despite having literally thousands of happy customers and a spotless reputation. The site will be re-named the Samurai Beach Resort and up to $6m invested by 2007 to add 70 more units.
Thankfully, I saw Bardots in its prime. Indeed, on my last night, I strode into the dining room naked as the day I was born. To my horror, most of the guests were clothed to varying degrees, leaving me turning the colour of a fine Hunter Valley Merlot as my prime rump steak arrived.
"Many naturists like to dress for dinner. But don¹t worry," winked Jim, "everyone strips off for the disco later."
Guess there was nothing I could do except just grin and bare it.
Five of the best global kit-off resorts
1 Cap d'Agde, near Montpellier, south of France.
This 90-hectare site is the largest nudist colony in the world, accommodating 50,000 naturists at any one time. Known as the naked City, its beach is a 3km-stretch of pebble-free sand. Cap d'Agde.
2 Negril Beach, Jamaica
This six-mile stretch of white sand set along side turquoise waters was a favourite hang-out on the hippie trail. Today, at the northern end of the beach, resorts like the Firefly cottages and Hedonism 2 cater for the dedicated nudists. More on the resorts from Negril Beach.
3 Blacks Beach, La Jolla, California
A lively beach culture with nude volleyball and body painting a-go-go are the big draw for this nude beach in the San Diego area. Watch out for Hollywood celebrity skin and software millionaires on downtime. More on American naturism from The Naturist Society.
4 Beppu, Kyushu, Japan
Japan has along history of nude public bathing and has only favoured segregated bathing since the end of the Second World War. Beppu, located on the tropical island of Kyushu in Japan's south, is known as the Miami Beach of Japanese naturism with over 4,000 onsen (hot springs) available to nude bathing enthusiasts, many as part of traditional Japanese inns or ryokan. Japan National Tourist Organisation, 020 734 9638.
5 Studland Bay, Bournemouth, UK
There are 11 British beaches officially recognised for use by naturists in the UK. This two-mile stretch of sand is regarded as the jewel in the crown of England's naturist beaches, attracting 8,000 visitors a day during summer. There are around 25,000 naturists in the UK affiliated to British Naturism with around 170 regional naturist groups. For more information call the Northampton-based British Naturism on 01604 620361 or check the website.
Ways to go
For more information, contact
The Australian Nudist Federation
PO Box 741, Browns Plains BC
Queensland 4118 Australia
Tel/Fax 61 7 3200 1658
The Australian Nudist Federation
Wonderbus (61 2 9555 9800) run daily coach tours from Sydney to Port Stephens with options to take a dolphin-watching cruise and a jet boat adrenaline spin in the morning and detour for wine tasting in the Hunter Valley en route back to Sydney in the afternoon. Prices range from A$90 to A$150 according to activities included.
