Spend your money on space rather than travel

“All mammals get aggressive when crowded,” says clinical psychologist Linda Blair. “Save money on long-distance travel and invest instead in generously sized accommodation where you won’t be on top of each other. Everyone needs a place to retreat to – it’s how you keep stress levels down.”

Do not aim for perfection

In the adverts, holidays are a magical montage of tinkling laughter and adorable children splashing in the water watched by Mum and Dad holding hands on twin sun loungers. In real life, all the loungers are taken by 7.30am and the kids are drenching everyone by dive-bombing in to the pool while you chase them with a bottle of sun lotion. But that’s OK. The pressure to have a perfect holiday is a massive buzzkill.

Stuff goes wrong when you travel: trains are cancelled, someone gets an upset stomach, the tent leaks. Holidays are about spending time with people you care about, having new experiences and relishing life in all its authentic, messy glory. Don’t sweat it.

Know your audience

Peace and isolation may be delicious to you but deathly dull to your kids. Granny might want to do the sights while you prefer kayaking. Or the other way around. The teenagers do not need to see the cathedral. It doesn’t matter. It’s their holiday, too. Ditto going On A Walk, although – pro tip – if you call it a hike they are more likely to be enthusiastic. Remember that teenagers have a different circadian rhythm and genuinely need lie-ins.

Be honest: do you actually like beaches?

Sandy beaches look so pretty in photographs, but a lot of people – me! – find sand super annoying. An inland spot with a pool or near a river or lake might suit you better, and be cheaper. Also, do you really want full-on summer heat or would somewhere more temperate, where you can walk and explore without fainting, be better? The point is to think about what you actually want rather than passively scrolling Instagram, where holidays always look amazing.

How active do you want to be? Are you a “high peak” or a “no valley” holiday person? A high-peak holiday is all about exciting activities; a “no valley” break has no “low” moments, and maximizes relaxation, fun and being pampered, even if there’s little change from one day to the next.

Do not buy sunglasses at the airport

Nobody makes good retail choices in an airport, so this is not a good time to drop £150 on designer shades just because you are overexcited and also deranged from getting up at 5am. The only things you should buy in an airport are forgotten toiletries, snacks or a fragrance you already love. If the plane is delayed, buy a £3 crossword book and some crisps.

Give yourself permission to waste time

“Leisure can’t be true leisure if you are constantly trying to make the most of it,” says Oliver Burkeman, author of Four Thousand Weeks: Time and How to Use It. “We need to learn to waste time in order to enjoy it. The holiday has cost you money and time … but it can get strangely joyless if you fixate on trying to visit all the sights, or if you think of your holiday as being about resting in preparation for working hard when you get home.”

For the first few days of a holiday, I am too restless to actually take it easy, so I pour my energy into doing recces of the area and local shops to stock up on wine and snacks until I wind down a bit.

Clothes are the least important bit of packing

“I had a magical holiday thanks to my perfectly colour-coordinated capsule wardrobe,” said literally no one ever. Holiday dressing is my favourite kind, and I own way more kaftans and cute sandals than I could ever need, but clothes are the least impactful element of your suitcase when it comes to making a holiday go right.

Essentials are: Uno (the only card game everyone likes); aerosol-spray sunscreen that doesn’t take 20 minutes to rub in; an extra phone charger and two more plug adapters than you think you need; headphone splitters so two children can watch on the same screen; an insulated water bottle that will keep your water cool; and a bug-bite zapper (the best fiver you will ever spend in Boots).

I have a friend who packs a portable wifi extender for Airbnbs with sketchy internet connection.

Going as a couple? Don’t brand it ‘romantic’

Spa treatments for two, honeymoon-y tables on the beach … Trying to be romantic all the time is likely to make you feel more self-conscious than sexy. Plan to have fun together instead of scheduling five days of staring into each other’s eyes. Pick a location based on a shared interest. If you both love food, go to San Sebastián and wander the old town sampling pintxos. If you first bonded over your love of Wes Anderson, take your half-frame cameras on a train journey in search of picturesque European cities.

If it’s your first holiday together, somewhere new to both of you (definitely not somewhere either of you has been with an ex) is less loaded than somewhere one of you had a great time last year. It’s sweet that your new boyfriend wants to teach you to surf, but spending two days coughing up seawater is not sexy.

Don’t get into a holiday rut

Military historians say generals tend to fight the previous war – and lose the next one as a result. If you are the holiday booker, you are the general, and a common trap is focusing too much on what went well and badly last summer and ending up with a holiday that would have been perfect a year ago. People can change a lot in a year – think about what you like doing now.

Travelling with a little one? Take the buggy

A pre-dinner stroll around town might buy you a meal in peace while they nap. Also, a piece of blackout lining that you can drape over flimsy holiday-home curtains is worth it not to be up at 6am. If you have small children, travelling light is a mug’s game.

Manage the takeoff and landing

By this I mean the first and last days. Blair says that rather than planning to catch up sleep while on holiday, you should aim to nap more than usual in the days before you leave. The extra sleep can help to prevent frayed tempers when you do get away.

Burkeman advises planning to make your journey home as smooth as possible: “If you think carefully about how to handle the end point, your holiday is more likely to stay in your memory as wonderful.”

Before you set off on holiday, figure out the journey home – so download the train timetable, print the boarding passes and put a pint of milk in the freezer.

Download a group-spending app

Splitwise is a good one. You input what each person spends and it keeps a record, avoiding someone doing sums at the end of every dinner.

If some of you have kids and some don’t, or some drink and some don’t, or some are on a tighter budget, chat about how to split costs before the holiday – better that way than at the end of a dinner when someone ordered the lobster and everyone else is silently seething.On a family holiday, don’t overstretch yourselves financially then get frustrated with children for not being grateful. Children, bless them, are ungrateful little buggers by nature.

Keep house visits short and sweet

An invitation to stay in someone else’s house is hugely generous. Just be mindful that you will need to sing for your supper. It’s not really on to ignore your hosts while you snog on the sofa or sleep all day. A lavish gift isn’t important; bringing good vibes is. Smiles and positive energy will get you invited back sooner than a Diptyque candle.

Do not have an argument to ‘clear the air’

Your beloved can’t follow Google Maps so you’ve taken a 40-minute detour to the restaurant, and now your new espadrilles are rubbing and you are starving. Irritation is the most easily accessible emotion, but take a breath and remember how much you love the person who is driving you insane.

Holiday rows have a habit of lingering in the memory. If one is rumbling, first, slow down on the alcohol. Talk about something else – anything else – for a bit. It takes about 20 minutes for strong emotions to dissipate, so chat about the menu and let the clouds pass over.

Move email to the last page of your phone

Not seeing that little envelope icon every time you pull out your phone makes a huge difference to being able to switch off. Make sure the person feeding your cat etc knows to WhatsApp you instead of emailing, and then put on an out-of-office. Be consistent: if you have said you aren’t going to respond to emails, don’t pick up your phone and get involved in what is going on at the office.

If you are renting a place, ask lots of questions

Not sure if it’s done with a fisheye lens or witchcraft, but photos can be devilishly misleading. Ask as many tricky questions as possible, says Serena Cook, founder of Deliciously Sorted Ibiza. Is there shade around the pool? How big is the smallest bedroom? Is the garden overlooked? “They will tell you the good stuff, but you need to know the downsides too.”

Try to establish contact with the property owner before your holiday. They’re your best source of local recommendations, and a good rapport can make things smoother if anything goes wrong.

Be lazy – except about exercise

Exercise works up an appetite for all that holiday eating, plus you’ll feel better about yourself when you get home, plus it will install good associations with exercise, which means you are more likely to keep the good habits up. Also, everyone needs some me-time, and a run or swim is perfect for this.

If I am reading by the pool, leave me alone

Try to divide up cooking, driving and childcare in a way that plays to everyone’s strengths. I love to cook and am super happy to spend a chunk of the day planning, shopping for and making lunch. And hopefully there is someone who doesn’t hate playing stupid ball games with kids, because if you disturb me when I’m having a lovely time with my new Curtis Sittenfeld novel, I may have to kill you. Field each player in his or her strongest position.

Relax, delegate and let some things slide

Two weeks spent making beds and hanging up wet towels is not a holiday even if you are in a bikini. Let some things slide. Tell kids to rinse their swim things in the shower with them and hang them out. Leave the heavy-going books at home and pack what you will enjoy. Tilt your face to the sun when you drink your first coffee of the day; take a nap in the shade when it’s hot.

And never play Monopoly

Ever. Even if it’s raining. Not unless you actively want to throw a hand grenade into the room.