"You are perfect exactly as you are. You have everything you need. Right here, right now." What I am doing right here, right now, is sitting cross-legged in a circle on a beach with each of my hands on the knee of the person sitting either side of me. I am not entirely comfortable.
"You won't need to go to the fridge when you are bored. You won't need to have that cigarette when you are stressed, or that drink when you've had a bad day."
I hope I haven't offended my neighbour by inching my hands away.
"You won't need that line of coke." Crikey. "You won't need to go to a psychiatrist. You won't even need cosmetic surgery."
Goodness. I'm not sure I've had the life experiences to qualify for this. I peek to see if anyone is nodding knowingly, but everyone seems blissfully transported. Or maybe they're on something I don't know about.
To be clear – in case my mother is reading – I'm not on some 12-step lockdown, but on a yoga holiday in Formentera, Ibiza's tamer little sister. I'm rather anxious about what is coming next. Finally we close our chakras. Ve. Ry. Slow. Lyee. And then we sprinkle love down on ourselves. I feel fidgety and panicky – I may be wrong, but I don't think it's love.
Back in sensible old London, the title of the retreat – Open Your Heart – had caused mine to flutter in alarm. Right now, there are small shellfish in the sea beside me with hearts more open than mine.
Formentera Yoga is unlike any yoga trip I've been on before. For a start, the classes run from Monday evening to Friday morning, leaving the weekends free for partying. This is a yoga holiday, not a retreat. The Balearics don't do asceticism; they are the spiritual home of Kate Moss and co, after all.
As you might expect from Formentera's premier luxury hotel, the Gecko Beach Club, where the course is held, is all bleached-wood rooms, palm trees, ambient music and beautiful people. (Formentera Yoga will find cheaper accommodation nearby for those wishing to attend the yoga sessions without the four-star prices, which seems to work well for several people on my course.) Any closer to the beach – a spotless stretch called Playa de Migjorn — and the hotel would be in the Med.
There is a special healthy menu, and the yogis can all eat together if they choose, but there's none of the birdseed-and-bulgur-wheat diet of a typical retreat. It's all so chilled that some of the group have not only a glass of wine but a discreet after-supper cigarette – the yogic equivalent of shooting up in school assembly.
Formentera Yoga is also happy for you to bring along a non-yogic partner or friend, at a reduced price. Again this takes away from the monastic feel of a yoga retreat – you can bicker about who left the lid off the sun lotion between sessions – but it does feel like a holiday.
None of which means the company isn't serious about the yoga. Resident teacher Jax, aka Jacqueline May Lysycia, looks like she might have walked straight out of the Bounty Bar advert that was filmed here. With her blonde hair and super-toned body, she is as lovely as a mermaid. You may spot her on the Formentera Yoga website – motto Loving Me ❤ Loving You. (Novices should note that it isn't essential to do yoga in your bikini.) If only yoga could make the rest of us look like her.
She is also a brilliant teacher (voted one of the top 10 in the UK by Yoga Magazine). With an emphasis on first principles, she leads a large class – more chaps than usual, funnily enough – who range from beginners to committed yogis, and everyone feels safe and stretched. While some of the philosophising has me giggling in my downward dog ("students listen to their yoga practice with the ears of their physical body" is a typical line from the website), her thorough teaching means I learn more in four days than at countless classes back home.
The day begins with an (optional) silent sunrise walk along the beach, followed by two hours of yoga on a deck in the gardens facing the sea. There can be few better ways to start the day than watching the light seep into the trees and flowers – especially from upside down. The afternoon session again ends on the beach for guided meditations, often led by Leena, the healer. You are either really into these things or you really aren't; no one seems to mind that half the group slope off to scrub up their chakras in the shower.
There is a lovely stretch of free time between classes. It would be very unyogic not to spend the first couple of days appreciating the surroundings – the pool and gardens with canopied day beds the size of tennis courts – and forgoing poolside cocktails in favour of (eye-wateringly expensive) juices.
And of course the beach. Formentera may be called "the Last Paradise", but as Adam and Eve discovered, after a while you wonder if you might be missing something. Only 12 miles long, it is a lovely slip of an island, and can easily be covered in a day on a bike or scooter, with generous stops for eating and swimming. It may be only a flip-flop's throw from Ibiza, but the fact that it has Unesco world heritage status – and therefore no airport or high-rise hotels – means it is fairly unchanged since Bob Dylan put it on the hippie trail in the 1960s. After puttering along the main road to the Cap de Barbaria lighthouse, we discover beaches where the sand really is as white as coconut flesh.
Playa de Illetas is the beach, where the Bounty Bar ad was filmed. We stop for lunch at the famous Juan y Andrea restaurant, where the only way to arrive, it seems, is by boat. It's so stylish you can't see the squid for their aviators.
We are happy to return to our own bit of paradise. Just along from Gecko is the jolliest beach bar I've ever seen, no more than a shack, with a sunflower on each of the tiny tables, where bronzed locals and tourists gather to watch the sun set. It's the perfect place for an unyogic beer. Along the beach in the other direction is a tiny restaurant serving seafood to make the overpriced prawns at Juan y Andrea blush.
It is nice talking to new people over dinner on holiday, especially in a gathering from so many countries. But equally, it is nice not to have to. At Formentera Yoga you can do both. If you are new to yoga, or looking for a laid-back healthy break, this is for you.
Everybody in the group seems happy – many are promising to book again. My non-yogi partner (despite initial reservations on both sides) enjoys it too. The glow seems to rub off on him – though that may just be the sun. Yoga purists might hanker after a little more self-denial, but as every good yogini knows, flexibility is key. And – whisper it – yoga holidays can be fun, too.
We must be the only people on the evening flight back from Ibiza not to have been at the end-of-season parties (and, erm, the only people on the island not to have even known about them). But I feel as blissed-out as the rest. My heart may even have opened a tiny bit. Om shanti.
• Yoga Formentera (formenterayoga.com) has five-day breaks from April to October starting at €770 half-board based on two sharing, excluding flights. Ryanair (ryanair.com) flies daily to Ibiza from nine British airports from £98 return
