I'll never look at a gondolier again without a smile crossing my lips. Why? Did I have fun in Venice, being serenaded by a Latin lothario? Did I stay at the Venetian hotel in Vegas, transported around the property in one of those gondolas that are as cheesy as gorgonzola?
Nope, I took a trip on an "authentic" 33ft gondola off the Coronado Cays near San Diego, for a couples massage with my hubbie as part of our stay at the Loews Coronado resort.
Leaving from the hotel's private marina we were paddled out to sea on our gondola, then lay face down on twin massage tables while two masseuses – Kim and Yvonne – worked away at our tired old bones.
Disappointingly, the two gondoliers didn't sing Italian songs to us, but they were young and seriously hunky, and they at least had Italian folk music playing – makes a change from the usual far eastern mood music.
They didn't get our "Just One Cornetto" joke, but they did keep their eyes firmly on the horizon and the gondola sailing smoothly while the therapists did their best to work round us in the space available and maintain steady sea legs.
Complimentary Domaine Chandon, a good Napa Valley sparkling wine, and chocolate-covered strawberries were served during the final 10 minutes of the "experience", which lasts about an hour, and we sat back, by then in dressing gowns, and took in the views.
I used that moment to chat to the masseuses about the job. Yes, predictably, it is mainly couples celebrating a wedding anniversary who opt for this treatment; and although it is totally weather-dependent, San Diego has 267 "mostly sunny" days a year, so that's rarely an issue.
Unusually, this was a massage taken entirely lying on your front, with no flipping over to give the passing yachts an eyeful – or the planes and helicopters from the nearby Coronado military base. I can't say that added to the experience – our arms and the fronts of our legs were decidedly underworked, but overall it was a fun way to spend an hour or so.
As a destination resort, the 439‑room Loews Coronado Bay ticks a lot of boxes. Among its on-site amenities are three restaurants – one award-winning and with views of the San Diego skyline and Coronado Bay – three swimming pools, three tennis courts and direct access to the Silver Strand State Beach. The hotel is situated on a private 15-acre peninsula jutting out into the Pacific Ocean and it's just 25 minutes from downtown San Diego. The low-rise town of Coronado is a little gem, reminiscent of a Disney village, and a perfect piece of Americana.
Whether the whole massage experience is worth $419 is another matter, but it is certainly one of the world's strangest …
If next time you visit Venice you find the Grand Canal full of floating massage-gondolas, you'll know where the idea came from.
• The Loews Coronado Bay (loewshotels.com/coronadobay) has doubles from $209 B&B, and the gondola massage costs $419 per couple. United Airlines (08458 444777, united.com) flies from Heathrow to San Diego from £470 return. For further information on California, see visitcalifornia.co.uk
