The ultimate dirty weekend, Brighton

The Pelirocco offers more than a naughty weekend: it offers one that is bordering on the filthy. The regency townhouse on a Brighton seafront square serves up a smorgasbord of funky themed rooms, including a boudoir dedicated to 1950s bombshell Betty Page. But the plum for this particular break has to be its burlesque kitsch flagship suite. The Play Room has an eight-foot circular bed beneath a mirrored canopy, a pole dancing area – lessons and first aid kit available – and a giant plunge bath and double shower with monsoon heads. Couples' massages are available. Don't forget your handcuffs.
• A two-night B&B weekend break in the Play Room (01273 327055, hotelpelirocco.co.uk) costs £549 B&B

Drink the Lakes dry, Cumbria

It's the call of the mild. And bitter. And lager. A ramble around the sensational Cumbrian pubs in The Inn Way… to the English Lake District (£10.95, innway.co.uk) is a true liver'n'legs marathon. You probably won't sample all 44 boozers and 90 miles, but a few days' hiking will inevitably involve exotic brews like Sneck Lifter, wonderful historic hostelries where Wordsworth and Coleridge supped the amber nectar, along with demonic sheep and artery-numbing fry-ups. Its circular route – from Ambleside, north to Braithwaite and south to Broughton-in-Furness – provides a constantly cracking backdrop of peaks, lakes and fells.
• The Britannia (britinn.net), doubles from £80; Langstrath Inn (thelangstrath.com), doubles from £94; Manor Arms (manorarmsthesquare.co.uk), doubles from £67

Lobster hunting, Cornwall

Addicted to seafood? The Lugger Hotel, on south Cornwall's ridiculously picturesque Portloe harbour, serves some of the finest fresh fish around, including divine oyster-topped chowder. But on this escape you don't just eat, you also get to morph into a hunter-gatherer, checking lobster pots out at sea with local fisherman James Brown and casting lures for bass, mackerel and pollack. They're the raw material for the Lugger's acclaimed head chef, who then reveals the secrets of the perfect lobster thermidor – and the most satisfying supper of your life.
• Catch-and-cook breaks at the Lugger (01872 501322, luggerhotel.com) from £220pp including two nights' stay, dinner, fishing trip and cooking class meal with wine

Whisky galore, Speyside

To drench, or perhaps fully immerse, yourself in Scotland's most famous export, head north-east to the hotels and glens of Speyside. The famous malt whisky trail takes in eight renowned distilleries, from small boutique Benromach to historic Cardhu and Dallas Dhu, iconic Glenfiddich, wild, remote Glenlivet, and Speyside, the UK's only working cooperage. If you need a break from the hard stuff, check out the bottlenose dolphins in the Moray Firth or recharge your liver with a walk on the Speyside Way footpath.
• maltwhiskytrail.com; Knockside B&B in Aberlour (01340 881561, speyside.moray.org) from £30pp per night

Brunchtime binge, London

Gluttony. It's a sin. And your point is? Occasionally it's rather pleasant to fill the tank to overflowing, and there are few better opportunities than at the legendary, all-you-can-eat Sunday Brunch at London's Landmark Hotel. Running from 12.30 to 3pm, its untrammelled access to cooked breakfasts is merely an amuse bouche for what follows: all the roasts, sushi and charcuterie you can neck, along with salads – treat with caution – and cake and chocolate fountain lunacy, all washed down with unlimited champers. Oh yes, and a pianist guarantees the most tuneful indigestion of your life.
• 020-7 631 8000, landmarklondon.co.uk; Sunday Brunch £80; doubles from £159 (book 35 days in advance)

Hand-rolled Havana heaven, London

Whether your poison's a Montecristo Sublime or a Cohiba Esplendido, the experts at the boutique London hotel Number Ten Manchester Street can cut and light you a big 'un and advise on matching drinks. There's a funky all-weather cigar terrace and walk-in humidor, and the hotel has just launched a champagne and canapé menu. And there are occasional cigar tasting and cocktail masterclasses too.
• tenmanchesterstreethotel. com, 020- 7317 5900, doubles from £179

Chocotherapy, South Wales

After fresh air and exercise? The Vale Resort, set in over 650 acres near Cardiff, has two championship golf courses and top-notch fitness facilities. You, however, are more obsessed with Green & Black's than sand-wedges, which is rather handy because the hotel offers an extraordinary Chocolate Indulgence break. Along with a night's accommodation, you get a half-day chocolate-making course, including tasting, recipes and hand-rolling truffles – and take 30 away to scoff in bed. There's also some sweet pampering in Wales's biggest spa, offering massages with warm, runny chocolate. White clothing not recommended.
• Chocolate Indulgence Break (01443 667800, vale-hotel.com), £155pp or £99 without the spa treatment

Wine weekends, Hampshire

For the Grand Cru of weekend wine escapes head to the New Forest. The 11-room TerraVina Hotel has a fine vintage, as plonk buffs like to say. It sports an amazing cellar to go with its excellent scoff. Of course you'll want to indulge outside meal times (don't worry, no one's looking) and it offers private two-person tastings, at a price dependent on your wine choice. If you can start your weekend early, try the Friday lunchtime wine courses starting in September, for £49.50pp including lunch.
• 023-8029 3784, hotelterravina.co.uk, doubles from £155 room only (minimum two-night weekends)

Party house, The Cotswolds

Live like a Lord – or, given Elkstones' Cotswold location, a Tory grandee – from £75pp per night. The five-bedroom mansion near Chipping Camden delivers serious bling for your bucks with a home cinema, indoor pool and sauna, along with a baby grand, original art and huge designer chandelier. All rooms sport decadent bespoke furnishings and TV/DVD combos while the master suite has a king-sized four-poster, freestanding two-person oval bath with dreamy views and double drench shower. To really splurge, use Elkstones' concierge for private yoga sessions and spa treatments as well as wine tasting, piano recitals and private chefs.
• Four nights from £3,000 for up to 10 guests through Simon Escapes (01244 784152, simonescapes.com)

All bets are on, Edinburgh

If you're feeling lucky but sick of the Lottery, hit the Scottish capital for a weekend on the racecourse turf and casino baize. Travel six miles east of Edinburgh to Musselburgh Races (musselburgh-racecourse.co.uk), which holds the Betfair Scottish Champions Day on Saturday 3 September and the Royal Scots Family Day on Sunday 25 September. Now you've a crisp wedge of notes in your hand, try the Circus Casino (gentingcasinos.co.uk) for three-card poker, roulette, blackjack and the works. It could get messy, so guarantee a decent night's kip at Channing's (0131-315 2226, channings.co.uk) with doubles from £115 a night.