There's a right old buzz about this new B&B. A friend of a friend has already rebooked, a glossy magazine is on to it, and according to online specialist Chic Retreats, "indulgence is the name of the game".
It's devilishly easy to find, in the heart of Tetbury. "Big house," says D, pressing the bell. Gary Kennedy throws open the door and extends his hand in welcome. Pairs of green wellies are lined up in the hallway. So far, so Cotswolds – but that's the first and last nod to the county set. From the hall we are spirited into a fantasy world, a collision of colour, modern design and trad sumptuousness. In the dining room, olive green with shutters as red as a Chanel lipstick, a chandelier hangs like a suspended fountain. The clash of Warhol screen prints is tempered by a black leather chesterfield. A plume of peacock feathers erupts from a fat, black Grayson Perry urn, and someone has been buying limited-edition chairs by furniture-maker Mark Brazier-Jones as if they'd been on special at DFS.
"Hello," says Gary's partner, Nicky MacWilliam, emerging from the farmhouse kitchen. When they moved here with their son, Max, in 2005, the interior was "very safe", they say. Now it is fabulously dangerous – and the first B&B I've found with its own beauty treatment room (in the basement).
Would we like a glass of wine once Gary's taken us to our rooms? Ooh, yes. It's brick-red warmth with a four-poster for me; a monochrome interior in D's which overlooks the garden. There's so much detail – tartan‑covered footstools, silver teapot and creamer, cashmere throws, a chaise here, an armchair there – and everything we could possibly need, from thick bathrobes to a safe. Our bathrooms wouldn't look out of place in a Milanese showroom (though I'd prefer a proper shower to the TV inset at one end of the bath). Super thick towels are folded just as I once saw Anthea Turner demonstrating on telly.
Dinner with our well-travelled hosts is about good banter, Gary's art-buying habit, and food to match the indulgent tableware. Rack of lamb, from Jesse Smith in Tetbury, is so pink and beautiful we could weep. Apart from wishing there was more local cheese, and although £35 each is the most expensive B&B dinner I've had yet, it's one of the best, and the setting is unrivalled.
Eschewing decanters of stronger stuff, we sink into deep navy velvet in the sitting room with herbal tea. "I feel like a time traveller in this mix of old and new," says D, as we climb upstairs past Piranesi prints to slide between Frette and Ralph Lauren sheets.
Giggling at Frasier reruns, beneath the bubbles, there's time before breakfast to scan a printed note I've just spotted. "House Rules", it says, as if this were a student flat share rather than a room costing £195. "Molton Brown products are for your use during your stay and should not be removed," I read. Is anyone really still excited enough by MB to nick it?
My eyes widen further at the next bit. "Rooms are checked on departure due to 'unfortunate circumstances of damage and loss.'" Hmm, surveillance as part of the guest experience – that's a new one. Or is it just a case of indelicate wording in a house where every other detail is so skillfully wrought, clumsiness has no place?
Top tip At this time of year, you'd be crazy not to spend a day at Westonbirt Arboretum.
• The Chipping, Tetbury (01666 505741, oakhouseno1.com). From £135-£255 B&B. Wine with dinner, £10 or BYO. Massage treatments from £45.
sally.shalam@guardian.co.uk
