The horror, the horror of Victoria Station on a Saturday afternoon. Italian tourists in their uniform of brown quilted jackets, Americans expecting Hugh Grant, but getting a surly fast-food server who throws an overpriced pasty at them, and desperate souls scouring for cigarette butts.
With half an hour to kill before meeting my girlfriend, I flee to the nearest pub. The Shakespeare is probably the worst pub in the world. That sullen teenager behind the bar, a drink-sticky carpet, crowds of catatonic tourists. The manager barks at me for sitting in the (near-empty) dining area with just a pint and a paper. I don't move, so he moves on to menace other tables.
Victoria is hell, the Shakespeare Satan's torturer-in-chief, but salvation lies just two minutes' walk away. Enter Belgravia and the crowds vanish. Street upon street of beautiful Georgian terraces and on Ebury Street lies The Tophams Hotel. A Belgravia institution since the Thirties, and a welcoming oasis in the hubbub of London for generations of guests, it reopened in the summer after a two-year renovation.
Stepping back through its doors must have felt, to regulars, like seeing a maiden aunt returning from Los Angeles sporting a boob job and Botox. Done classily, mind. Certainly one American regular who was passing by while I was at reception seemed startled, but approving, of the new look.
And what's not to like? The design is a crisp monochrome, with confident accents of colourful fabrics - a set of fuchsia chairs here, a shocking green sofa there. Our room was all pale tones, except for one wall of bold print wallpaper. However, the design was let down in places - there are 48 rooms, more than the old Tophams, and narrow corridors made the walk to our room feel rather claustrophobic, more Weston-super-Mare boarding house than boutique hotel.
The hotel does not have a restaurant but there's a host of great ones close by, including Santini, a renowned Italian just across the street, and Ken Lo's Memories of China. The hotel has an elegant bar for a perfect pre- or post-dinner drink.
Tophams is clearly aimed at business travellers, but there are plenty of reasons for those not blessed with an expense account to pay a visit. Many sights, such as Buckingham Palace and the South Kensington museums, lie nearby.
The old Tophams prided itself on being a home from home for its visitors and the renovated hotel is trying hard to do the same thing. It was with a heavy heart that I left and walked back into Satan's station.
The cost: doubles cost £195
