Britain is a disunited kingdom of cynics bent on cashing in on its heritage, according to the latest edition of the Rough Guide to Britain, out next week.
"Heritage is big business, with everyone from the Queen in Buckingham Palace to seedy tourist shops in John O'Groats cashing in on whatever assets are available," the 1200-page tome warns potential visitors.
Yet according to the authors, "If you were planning a country from scratch, you would never force England, Scotland and Wales together into a single United Kingdom" and "nobody can agree on what it means to be British". Wales is "resentful of English dominance", while Scotland is "happiest as far away from both as possible".
The best of British, according to the guidebook, is a night out in Newcastle upon Tyne, which tops its list of top 35 British attractions. Surfing in Newquay comes in second and the city of Oxford in third place. Both "whisky" and "a pint down the pub" make it into the top 20, while the British Museum is the highest-ranked museum in 12th place.
Buckingham Palace is labelled "as bland as it's possible to be", a "graceless colossus", which tourists "pay through the nose" to see. Meanwhile attractions singled out for praise include Tate Modern for its "masterful conversion", the "amazing" Shakespeare's Globe Theatre and the city of Birmingham, for having "excellent museums" and "one of Britain's best club scenes".
The British media is lauded as "the most dynamic" in the world, but this is deemed a mixed blessing. "Journalists are brazenly provocative," according to the guidebook, "to the point where cynicism has become the entry price for intelligent conversation". The UK's social divisions are also highlighted with tourists advised that Britain is a destination where "multiple homes are the rule for some and squalid homelessness the norm for others".
Also published this month is the latest Rough Guide to Wales, which cautions visitors to "never underestimate the potential for gastronomic disappointments" but still judges the country to be "the most beguiling part of the British Isles". Newport is described as "loud and lairy", Swansea as "breezy and resurgent" and Snowdonia is judged the "crowning glory" of North Wales. The Valleys top their list of the top 30 attractions, while "male voice choirs" come in at number 28.
Commenting on the guides' findings, VisitBritain, the body responsible for promoting inbound tourism, countered: "Buckingham Palace is more than just bricks and mortar. During the two months it opens, some 300,000 visitors discover a history of Britain's monarchy that is far from bland. An adult ticket is £14 in line with similar-sized attractions."
"Britain's heritage is a popular appeal for many visitors - but not the only one. Visitors come to Britain for our city culture, free national museums and galleries, contemporary attractions, activities along our coast, inspiring landscapes and British institutions - all lauded in The Rough Guide's own Top 35," said spokesman Elliott Frisby.
"It's great that the guide also recognises that Wales is one of our most beautiful nations - something visitors from the UK and abroad have known for years," he said.
A Rough Guides spokeswoman added: "With more of us holidaying in Britain and visiting parts of the country we seem to have missed over the years, the new Rough Guide to Britain shows just how much our country has on offer.
"However, gaining value for money is not always easy ... the guide suggests that 'the standard of many middle-market hotels, more especially in England than Scotland and Wales, can be very disappointing' and that while there are 'hundreds of good, inexpensive or moderately priced restaurants to be found around the country' eating out can often be 'overpriced, over-rated or inedible'.
The latest guides follow the publication of the Rough Guide to England earlier this year, which described some English as "overweight and sex-obsessed TV addicts".
The Rough Guide to Britain's top 35
1 A night on the town, Newcastle upon Tyne
2 Surfing, Newquay
3 Oxford
4 London's markets
5 Whale- and dolphin-watching
6 Castle Howard, Yorkshire
7 Kinloch Castle, Rùm
8 Snowdonia
9 Edinburgh
10 Coasteering (a combination of rock scrambling, cliff-jumping and swimming)
11 Whisky
12 The British Museum
13 Iona
14 West Highland Railway
15 A pint down the pub
16 Glasgow School of Art
17 Punting on the Cam
18 Portmeirion
19 Bath
20 Whitby music festivals
21 Shopping in Leeds
22 Harlech
23 Cairngorms National Park
24 Hill-walking
25 National Museum of Wales
26 Hadrian's Wall
27 Ullswater
28 York Minster
29 Eden Project, Cornwall
30 Melrose Abbey
31 Loch Shiel
32 Tobermory
33 Avebury
34 St David's Cathedral
35 Tate St Ives, Cornwall
The Rough Guide to Wales' top 30
1 The Valleys
2 Pistyll Rhaeadr waterfall, mid-Wales
3 Transporter Bridge, Newport
4 National Waterfront Museum, Swansea
5 Soar-y-Mynydd chapel, Powys
6 Portmeirion
7 Aberglasney, Tywi Valley
8 Castell Carreg Cennen, Carmarthenshire
9 Oak woods, sacred to Druids
10 Laverbread
11 Rugby
12 Ffestiniog Railway
13 Conwy
14 Pembrokeshire coast
15 Tryfan, Snowdonia
16 Aberystwyth
17 Cadair Idris
18 Brains beer
19 National Museum and Gallery, Cardiff
20 St Fagans National History Museum
21 Llandudno
22 Dyfryn Arms (Bessies's), Pontfaen
23 Llechwedd Slate Caverns
24 Mawddach Bridge, Barmouth
25 Cardiff Bay architecture
26 Nightlife in Swansea
27 Harlech Castle
28 Male voice choirs
29 Machynlleth market
30 St David's Cathedral
· The Rough Guide to Britain, 6th edition, is published on June 29 priced £16.99
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