I'll never go back to ...
Positano, Italy. What a ghastly Disney-esque little hole it is. I really like the Amalfi coast and I think Sorrento is a decent honest place, but Positano, the setting for The Talented Mr Ripley, was awful. What really got the bile rising was the fake artist paid to stand in a beret pretending to paint the harbour.
I never travel without ...
My fake tan. It's embarrassing to come back from a holiday whiter than when you set out. I can't tan naturally. I have to sit in shade and cover myself in Clarins.
I find booking a holiday ...
A nightmare. What has happened to the good old-fashioned travel agent? I want to go to a really posh travel agent and have them organise everything for me. I don't want to do things on the internet.
My top travel tip is ...
Lower your expectations. The only way to go on holiday is with your expectations at ground level. Convince yourself before you go that the weather's going to be dreadful and there will be nylon sheets. You'll then be pleasantly surprised.
I'm not really very good on ...
Beaches. If I do go to the beach there have to be certain rules: it can't be a pebbly beach, there has to be some shade and there has to be a beach bar. I don't want to go off the beaten track. I'm very claustrophobic and I don't like snorkelling or putting my head underwater. I prefer a controlled environment like a pool.
My ideal travelling companion is ...
The old man - my husband. This summer will be our first together without our daughter. It's going to be very interesting to see if we've still got anything in common and can stand each other!
I like to bring back ...
A little piece of jewellery from wherever I've been. I wish I'd bought some coral in Sorrento, but I went very mean and couldn't bring myself to buy the piece I wanted. I also love coloured leather, and I'd recommend the back streets of Sorrento for that too. I bought some orange and green moccasins there.
My first big trip was ...
To the Italian lakes in the world's smallest caravan when I was about five. The tiny caravan left me with a phobia of small spaces. I could only ever go caravanning again in a very large van with at least four bedrooms.
The thing I hate about travel is ...
Not knowing what to expect. I find it traumatic and I can't bear the inevitable slight disappointment of the first day.
· Jenny Eclair is currently starring in Grumpy Old Women Live at the Lyric Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue, until 15 July. See grumpyoldwomenlive.com for details.
