A Swiss resort's decision to post a 30kph speed limit on one of its runs heralds a new era in the codification of ski etiquette. The rule being enforced here - Don't Kill People - is fairly obvious, but ski etiquette has its finer points, and a basic primer, based on my own considerable experience, may be of help to initiates.

· No talking on the ski lift. Never feel compelled to break the awkward silence, even if the lift stops for a prolonged period. I don't care where you're from or where you're staying, and I do not want to talk about the conditions. But yes, I will have a mint, thanks.

· Don't stand in front of the giant map. Users of public transport will find this rule familiar, but you'd be surprised how many people line their families in front of a piste map for a photograph, when some of us need to use it in order to locate the nearest Mars Bar.

· Stick to your skill level. If you are an extremely good skier, then you and I should be nowhere near each other. Any run on which I am to be found is, by definition, too easy for you, so take your fancy skis swishing elsewhere. You don't see me lying face down in the middle of the black run on the north face, do you? Well, there was that one time I got lost. Someone was standing in front of the map.

· Do not ask if me I'm all right when my face is caked with snow. No, I am not all right. I do not require assistance, just some privacy so that I can continue crying. Yes, that is my ski way up there. Would you? Thanks.

· I am a human being, not a slalom gate. Even if I have stopped in the middle of the hill to adjust the angle of my hat, there is no need for you and your snowboarding friends to make tightly carved turns round me. If you are wondering how wide a berth to give me, just imagine that I am trying to hit you with one of my poles. That is what I am imagining.

No, I don't know how fast 30kph is either, but if I am doing anything approaching that speed you should assume that I can't stop. Technically you may have the right of way, but if I were you I wouldn't stand my ground on principle