As I was very nearly saying to Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith: Aspen's great, you know, but, hey, it's kinda expensive. Like rilly, rilly expensive.
Each year, the pint-size Latin lothario and his statuesque wife join thousands of other extremely wealthy, often famous, ski addicts who fly in on their personal Lear jets for several weeks' R&R at Colorado's answer to Palm Springs. For mortals, it is a chance to get as close to the stars as possible under current anti-stalking legislation.
Not only were Ant and Mel on the slopes, Jack had been in town a few weeks earlier. Proof that Mr Nicholson had been in Aspen was more difficult to find, though. Unlike Ant and Mel, he wasn't spied mooching down South Galena Street holding hands like a lubricous teenager. The story goes that when the press found out that Jack had a house in Aspen he bought another one and paid a jobbing actor to live in his old pile to act as a distraction. And although the townsfolk know where Nicholson lives, they're shy about telling outsiders. Aspen respects its celebrities' privacy. It doesn't want them scared away: that would be bad for business.
But it's not the celebs who make Aspen expensive. It's the Silicon Valley dotcom types and the Wall Street traders who bought up all the real estate. Until fairly recently, Ken Lay, close friend of Dubya and the chairman of corporate basket-case Enron, owned several homes in Aspen. Strangely, he sold them shortly before his company collapsed and investors launched multi-million dollar damage claims against him.
But thanks to the profligacy of Ken et al , Aspen - population 6,000 - has more than 100 bars and restaurants, making it an epicentre for epicureans as well as powder chasers. The gastronomic choice is broad, verging on the eccentric. Naturally, there is a McDonald's and a faux Irish bar near the local rugby pitch. But there is also everything from Austrian to New Mexican and authentic French. There's even a Nobu, dammit. There is also Crystal Palace, the 45-year-old institution on East Hyman Street, where for $50 you get cabaret and 'gourmet' cuisine. Admittedly, the show's newest song, 'All Hail the Taliban', may not have been to the taste of all those Stetson-wearing good ol' boys who inhabit what is still, in many ways, a conservative town, but at least it got the locals talking.
Indeed, the old frontier spirit lingers in Aspen, reflecting its genesis as a a silver mining town in 1879. A railroad was built and by the 1890s Aspen had become the largest silver-producing district in the US. A small, but flourishing brothel district sprang up along with an opera house, six newspapers, three banks and four schools. Then the US Mint stopped using silver in dollars and that was the end of that.
By the early 1940s, however, Aspen had discovered another precious resource - snow. The Aspen Skiing Corporation was formed and the town, whose population had shrunk to 700, was mentioned in the same breath as the Hamptons, Cape Cod and, probably, Melrose Place . The old silver mine had struck gold.
And boy does it show. Nine dollars for a glass of white wine at the top of Aspen Mountain! Every car a 4X4 the size of a small condominium. Off-piste rhinoplasty, I kid you not. And as for the inappropriately named Grog Shop, any offie which is selling wine at $600 a bottle must be situated in a monumentally affluent area.
Which goes some way to explaining why Aspen is not considered an option by European ski addicts. The Brazilians like to visit. The Argen tinians used to, before their peso did an Enron. But the Europeans resolutely stay away. Obviously the 10-hour plane trip from London to Denver puts many off, and the four-hour drive that follows is another consideration. But the sheer price of lift passes, lessons, breakfast and Swedish massages is usually the coup de grce . The rule of thumb seems to be to take European prices, double them, then add tax and tips and you're just about there. But while no one could ever claim Aspen was cheap, you don't have to be Ant and Mel to afford your week on the slopes. Simply sell your children for medical research and hit those 4,700 acres of terrain for a memorable week.
And what terrain it is. The resort consists of four mountains - Aspen, Buttermilk, Highlands and Snowmass - each with its own character. All are groomed like the most spoilt of French poodles and, with Disney-like efficiency, queuing is virtually non-existent. But when a lift pass for the week costs $300, you don't want to waste time hanging around.
Fancy a spot of freeskiing? Hit Aspen Highlands. Hankering after a half pipe? Both Buttermilk and Snowmass offer 400ft pipes of the highest order. For the big cruise home, nothing beats Aspen Mountain.
For those used to skiing in Europe, the resort offers a real change. The snow is wetter and the slopes on the whole gentler, wider and emptier, offering a more relaxed ski. It might not suit adrenaline junkies but it's great for learners and children. The coaching is superb. A lesson may cost about $100, but it lasts about four hours and groups are usually kept to a maximum of four. The coaches also seem to be a few years ahead of their European counterparts in terms of teaching techniques. Boarders will like it, too, if only because there are few out-and-out flats, while drag lifts are practically extinct.
The point with Aspen is that you get what you pay for. If you want vast slopes with lots of snow and sun, excellent teachers and a town that has the solid feel of something that exists for more than four months of the year, Aspen has them in spades. It also offers something that its European counterparts don't: culture. The ski-town's founding fathers were determined that the place should be as much about the soul as the body and, in addition to the museums, opera house and galleries, there are film festivals, tours and activity days.
Many of the bars put on live gigs, while the comedy festival, complete with the biggest names in stand up, is a sell-out. It certainly beats the eight pints of Kronenbourg and six hours of sharking which constitute après-ski in many parts of the Alps.
And, if you follow The Observer's handy guide to Aspen on the cheap, you, too, can have the Ant and Mel experience without remortgaging your home. Almost.
Factfile
Jamie Doward travelled with Thomson Ski and Snowboarding (0870 606 1470). A similar seven-night stay at the Snowflake Inn from 7 - 20 April is available for £735. The price, which is based on two sharing, includes United Airlines flights from Heathrow to Aspen and bed and breakfast accommodation in a studio with kitchenette.
A six-day lift pass booked in advance through Thomson costs £126. Six days' ski/board and boot hire costs from £77. Book tuition seven days in advance and save 15 per cent.
For further information and events listings telephone 00 1 970 920 7134 or visit www.aspensnowmass.com.
