Not many people can boast of going on holiday with Mr Gay UK, a drag queen called Lola Lasagne and a special-needs teacher who won Stars In Their Eyes by dressing up as Dusty Springfield. But then, not many people would want to boast about that. At least not in polite company.
That isn't to say they weren't fun holiday companions - they were. Let's face it, in a place like Gran Canaria, there's not much else to do other than party with friends: the desert-like landscape does not invite exploration, the concrete jungles of the main tourist resorts make Milton Keynes look like an architectural gem, and there is a distinct absence of museums, galleries and "sites of historical interest" in which to enrich your cultural knowledge of the autonomous Spanish archipelago of which Gran Canaria forms part. There are, however, plenty of bars and nightclubs selling obscenely cheap beer to pretty young men in well-fitting clothes. Club Gayteen-30, you might say.
Gay package holidays are undoubtedly attractive to people who cannot be as open about their sexuality as they would like to be. While homosexuality may be high profile in progressive urban centres such as London and Manchester, it's a different story in Largs and Machynlleth. Personally, I get enough gayness at home, and a week in Soho-by-Sea does not strike me as the best way to unwind.
But I can't tell you how excited I was to discover that we would be sharing the week with Lola - fans of Channel 4's Faking It will remember him/her as the female impersonator who featured a walk-on part in the episode that followed a former naval officer's transformation into a drag queen.
Unfortunately, I can't remember Mr Gay UK's name - although I can tell you that he looked like Tom Cruise, only shorter. Which is quite short. And all I can recall about Dusty is that she ended up drinking far too much vodka the night before the finale party, where she was to top the bill. Her hangover meant that her voice didn't hold up nearly as well on stage as it did when she indulged us in an impromptu recital of Son Of A Preacher Man on the bus back from a boat cruise a few days earlier.
Anyway, these were among my partners for the ride. I imagine that the atmosphere at Los Almendros, the first all-British gay holiday complex in the Canaries' main gay resort, Playa del Ingles, would not usually have been so boisterous. But Respect Holidays, which runs the place, was keen to give a good impression of the newly opened resort.
As far as I can see, gay holidays are designed with two things in mind: to allow gay men (for it is mostly men who choose these kinds of trips) to spend the daytime ogling other men in Speedos without having to switch on their gaydar, and to spend the night trawling the bars trying to identify each other fully clothed.
The clientele appears to be the gay equivalent of your average Thomas Cook customer - indeed Thomas Cook is now selling Respect holidays through its branches, the only mainstream agency to do so. Destinations are limited largely to the fleshpots of Europe: Mykonos, Ibiza and Gran Canaria. Although one or two of the gay holiday companies (there are four main ones in Britain: Respect, Man Around, Sensations and Throb) are starting to go further afield - Respect also offers Cape Town, Mexico, and is understood to be about to announce Miami.
Gran Canaria has always been a gay favourite. When temperatures in November can reach 30C, it's easy to understand why. But all that sun merely serves to underline how much better Gran Canaria looks in the dark. The main resorts are ghastly concrete cities built in a hurry when the local government realised that it was the best way to make a fast peseta.
So with little of substance to see in the day, unless you are prepared to venture deep inland with a hire-car, it is only at night that the island comes alive.
The focus of the nightlife in Playa del Ingles is the infamous Yumbo centre, a shopping mall. The difference with shopping centres in Gran Canaria from those elsewhere is that they double up as entertainment venues at night. When the Canary Islands' equivalent of Mark One and Miss Selfridge close their doors at dusk, the shutters open at a plethora of bars and nightclubs, most of which, at the Yumbo, cater specifically for a gay clientele. Soon, hundreds of gay men are sat in the terrace bars, mentally giving each other marks out of 10.
The gayness of the entertainment is not exactly underplayed: neon signs advertising full-on "cruise bars" are everywhere. Even in London, these kinds of venues, featuring low-lit alcoves where those of amorous intentions can indulge their passions, are far more discreetly advertised.
The party goes on until well into the early hours. Sex is readily available, although the body-fascistic gay hierarchy that exists in Britain is even worse here.
If all-night partying is not your scene, the only other thing to do is sit in the sun, either by the pool or on the beach. The latter is where Gran Canaria comes into its own. The beaches are a treat, even though you have to traipse through endless sand dunes to get to them. Beach number 7 is exclusively gay, but don't expect dunes-to-sea pecs and biceps - overweight Germans seem particularly drawn here. Something for everyone, I suppose.
This hedonistic sex-and-sun recipe is certainly commanding increased appeal. The market has expanded exponentially since the mid-1990s when the first gay holiday companies began to spring up in Britain. Respect, whose bookings increased by 28% last year, estimates the business is now worth £10m a year. And that doesn't take into account the millions of lesbian and gay consumers who buy "straight" holiday packages in locations such as Gran Canaria - those who make their own flight and holiday arrangements, or even those who book a couple of nights at a gay guest house in Amsterdam. When I first went on a gay holiday, we stayed in a "gay-friendly" hotel in Ibiza; now there are entire holiday complexes devoted to gay travellers.
Los Almendros takes the genre up a gear: instead of sharing a complex of villas with other companies, it has leased this one outright. That means your holiday companions will be almost exclusively British (no outsize Germans to worry about here). What used to be a children's play area has been turned into a workout space with a range of gym equipment, so the more body-conscious guests can keep their body-fat ratios to a minimum. There are 33 self-catering bungalows clustered around a swimming pool and bar area; the accommodation is compact and basic (more Homebase than Habitat) and the food is unremarkable. Think Pontins with a pink tinge. But if you're just looking for a pleasant place to park your sun lounger, it does the business.
There is, of course, another side to Gran Canaria if you have the determination to seek it out. Dolphin-watching boat trips leave from nearby Puerto Rico: the sight of the world's most elegant sea creature leaping for air - and to show off - is particularly memorable. Take a trip that starts in the late afternoon - there's nothing to beat watching the sun slip behind the horizon, giving way to the twinkle of moonlight on ocean. And if you have the energy to press inland, a visit to Teror and Vegueta will be rewarded by architecture dating back to the 15th century, when Christopher Columbus lived on the island.
Back in the company of Lola, I settled down by the pool with my complimentary sangria to watch her romp through her act. "You might have seen me in Faking It - don't kid yourself, I was the only real thing in that programme." What could she have meant? Surely not that the Channel 4 show is not what it seems? If only the same could be said of Gran Canaria.
Way to go
Getting there: Respect Holidays (0870 7700169) has seven nights' self-catering in Los Almendros from £289pp including Gatwick flights and transfers; regional supplements apply.
Further information: Spanish Tourist Office, 22/23 Manchester Square,London W1U 3PX (020-7486 8077, 24-hour brochure line 09063 640630, tourspain.co.uk, tourspain.es) also ecanarias.com.
Country code: 00 34.
Flight time: Gatwick-Las Palmas, 4hrs.
Time difference: + 1hr.
£1 = 1.52 euros.
