The nice young lady from Hoverspeed strode towards us. Behind her, the Newhaven-Dieppe SeaCat yawned open, accepting cars for the Channel crossing. The nice young lady smiled at me through the open window in a worryingly apologetic way.
"I'm sorry," she said. "They can't fit you on."
Thus began the adventure: a week-long trip around north-western France for a family of four in - wait for it - a motorhome. Recreational vehicle. Campervan. What you will. But now our house on wheels was stuck on the quayside at Newhaven thanks to a cock-up.
The fact that there was no room left on the SeaCat did serve to emphasise something which had become immediately obvious when the motorhome had been delivered to our house. It was very, very big and very, very scary. Taking a rented Ford Transit down to Ikea was one thing; driving this behemoth around France was quite another.
The motorhome was a Swift 590 RS, which meant nothing to me, but I can tell you that the 590 RS is a luxurious home-from-home on wheels, boasting sleeping capacity for five, a toilet and shower, a hob and grill, a fridge, and enough storage capacity to threaten the trade deficit between France and Britain.
It stood outside our house throughout the day before our departure, and as children started to drift home from school they were drawn to it as if by magic. Our own kids, puffed up with pride, invited several friends round to tea. This behaviour would be replicated throughout the following week, when they frequently preferred bouncing off the walls of the Swift to going to the beach.
Before this holiday, I'd always associated caravans and campervans with pensioners and crawling traffic on Cornish side roads. But this image is changing. In the last few years, the urban middle classes have begun to latch onto caravanning, although the nomenclature has shifted to accommodate Notting Hill sensibilities. We no longer say "caravans" or "campervans". We drive "motorhomes" or "RVs". And we don't park them in crazy-paved suburban driveways and take them to the Gower peninsula or Great Yarmouth - we hire them in Canada or the USA.
France seemed sufficiently close to be safe and sufficiently far away to be exotic. The original itinerary was in the toilet (a compact chemical one, more comfortable than expected), thanks to Hoverspeed. We got to Dieppe eventually, swapping the two-hour SeaCat for a four-hour ferry, and after all that no one felt like a long drive. So we hunted out a local campsite on spec, helped by the caravanning equivalent of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Alan Rogers' Good Camps Guide - France: 2002. The Alan Rogers' Guides have been around for 35 years, and only list campsites based on merit. The French edition lists more than 500 in France and Corsica, including municipal sites and (daringly) a small selection of naturist campsites. It also has a suitably English obsession with the standard of toilet blocks which was much appreciated by my wife.
We found a beautiful little campsite just outside Dieppe, where I even found it straightforward to connect the motorhome to the electricity supply without fusing Normandy. Our first night was a great success: a pasta supper cooked on the Swift's gas hob followed by a comfortable sleep for all - the two children (Jack, 9, and Lily, 5) sharing the sleeping space above the driver's seat, the two adults in the cleverly compact sleeping space that filled the body of the vehicle.
However, the next day highlighted the motorhome's main disadvantage. Built on the chassis of a delivery truck, it drives... like a delivery truck. What's more, it drives like a delivery truck carrying four people and the equivalent of a small house, water supply and all. I did get it up to 80mph once on a buttock-clenching descent north of Paris, but 60mph was generally the limit.
Performance issues are to be expected from a vehicle like this, but it's worth pointing out that if you're used to whizzing around routes nationales in your hot hatch, don't expect to get anywhere anything like as quickly in a motorhome. Also, beware of turning off the main road for a quick visit to the boucherie; we tried it in a little town north of Le Mans, and brought the whole place to a standstill.
Our second site, in Saumur, was delightful: on the island in the river, looking up towards the chateau on the hill. But this was completely accidental. As our next site demonstrated, you need to plan these trips. We arrived on the coast of the Vendée in blazing sunshine. The site itself was lovely: great big swimming pool, nice pitch, clean toilets (happy wife), nice play area for the kids. Perfect.
Or so we thought. When we arrived in the middle of the afternoon, the place was full of people: mostly British adults sitting in front of their caravans, motorhomes and tents. As the sun went down, most of them were still there, frying what looked suspiciously like bacon and sausages. By 10pm, they had retreated into their caravans and turned on what looked suspiciously like televisions. Showing what looked suspiciously like Sky One.
This was our first encounter with a particular type of British caravanner abroad. To be honest, this kind of tourism had never occurred to me before. These people spent money on getting out of Britain, only to take Britain with them. Would it not be cheaper just to sleep in the garden? I half-expected to stumble across a car boot sale.
I was slightly less cynical about this bunch the following day when we hired bikes and cycled into the nearest town, St Jean De Monts - the worst place I have ever been in France by some way. We went back to the campsite, and planned our escape.
This is the brilliant thing about a motorhome; you can change one holiday for another. So we got out of the Vendée and drove down to La Rochelle, settling down on the nearby Ile de Ré. This island - calm in the off-season, glitzy in the on - is connected to the mainland by a spectacular road bridge which accommodates even motorhomes. It was here that we met an infinitely preferable type of caravanner: nice, mostly retired, couples, seeing something of Europe, catching some rays and even (perish the thought!) sampling the local cuisine.
They were very helpful to newcomers, too. One of the things they told me was to use The Camping and Caravanning Club's own guide to French campsites alongside the Alan Rogers guide - the former is a complete directory, useful alongside the latter's quality selection, particularly when using municipal (as opposed to privately-owned) sites. The main difference we could detect between municipal and private sites was that the former didn't offer "optional extras" such as bar, restaurant and pool - but as most of them seem to be in or next to towns, this didn't prove to be a problem. And they do seem to be cheaper.
As for payment, we used an excellent scheme called Camping Cheques. You purchase these before you leave, and they pay for two adults and a motorhome at participating sites. They're only valid in off-peak for most sites, but you're not likely to want to be driving a motorhome around France in August, are you?
Things were looking well and truly up as, back on schedule, we headed back up the Loire valley towards Blois to another campsite near the river. We enjoyed an honest, tasty meal cooked by the owners in the restaurant and were gently sipping cold beers on the terrace when my daughter, perhaps aware that the holiday was coming to a close, decided to fall off the trampoline and inflict a nasty gash on her head.
By this time, I was pretty confident driving the motorhome, and the subsequent race to the hospital in Blois provided a useful index of the potential for Bodie and Doyle performance of the Swift 590 RS.
So, one repaired daughter and another long drive later, we came off the SeaCat at Dover and made our way home. What had we learned?
1 For complete beginners, a motorhome holiday around France is challenging. If you're a confident driver and want to see a lot in a small amount of time, it's perfect. But if your lorry-driving genes are undeveloped, you might want to consider something less ambitious.
2 Plan where you want to go. Choose your destinations by the places you want to see, not the campsites you want to stay in. There will be a decent campsite nearby, and even the best campsite in the world can't make up for a lousy venue.
3 Drive your motorhome around at home for a couple of days before you leave - it takes some getting used to.
4 There are two things you will absolutely need: a power adapter for connecting to French power supplies on the campsites; and fluid for the chemical toilets. If you're a city dweller, these will be hard to find, so get them well in advance from a specialist shop. Other than these things, your motorhome can be a little piece of British soil without effort.
5 Allow at least a third more time to get between places than you think you'll need.
6 If you're planning on driving too quickly to a hospital, secure your crockery.
Factfile
Hiring your motorhome
Hire companies offer a variety of vehicle sizes. The first type is the van conversion, based on a light commercial van. A van is about 15ft long, and the accommodation is normally for two or four people. Facilities will typically include a cooker, grill, sink and fridge.
The other option is the compact coachbuilt, which is what we were driving. A "coachbuilt" has a caravan-type body built on top of the chassis base of a slightly larger van. It will have the same facilities as a van conversion but can also include hot water, heating and toilet/shower compartment. These vehicles can accommodate four to five people and are about 18-20ft long; this extra length makes a considerable difference to how difficult they are to drive.
The last type is the larger coachbuilt accommodating five or six people which are about 22ft long. These obviously have more space and a wider range of equipment. I wouldn't recommend these in France unless you really know what you're doing.
Contact the Motorhome Information Service on 01444 453 399 for a list of companies who hire motorhomes.
Hire rates do vary, so shop around. As a general guide, a van conversion would cost from £295 per week in low season to around £495 in July and August. A smaller coachbuilt will range between £395 and £595 with the larger coachbuilt between £495 - £795 per week.
These prices will normally include insurance and breakdown recovery for UK travel but additional charges may be made for use on the Continent. Most companies will also require a deposit (or bond) before departure which will be refunded provided the vehicle is returned in a satisfactory condition. Crockery, cutlery and bedding is not normally included in the basic hire charge.
Ferry crossings and site pitches
During off-peak times (anything outside mid-July to late-August), you can use the excellent Camping Cheques scheme and travel around from site to site, paying a flat rate of just £8.50 per night for a pitch with electricity, for two adults. Extra people, including children, cost around 2-4 euros per person. Currently, 250 sites across 15 countries in Europe, including the UK/Ireland, participate in the Camping Cheques scheme. Camping Cheques are valid for two years.
Camping Cheques: 01892 55 98 55.
Ferry crossings with a motorhome cost around £40-£60 one way during off-peak times. This can rise steeply at peak times.
For high season holidays, you should reserve your pitches (you can reserve pitches at any time of year, but it's a must during peak season). The Alan Rogers Travel Service can book pitches at sites in the Alan Rogers guide, and can arrange ferry crossings as well.
Alan Rogers Travel Service: 01892 55 98 98.
Prices start from £254 for a seven-night off-peak Camping Cheque holiday, including return Dover-Calais crossing for motorhome and passengers.
Alan Rogers' Guides, including the guide to France which we used, are available online at www.alanrogers.com and cost from £7.99. The website also has a searchable database of all Alan Rogers inspected and selected campsites, which is very useful for research.
Hire
Call the Motorhome Information Service (01444 453 399) for a list of companies who hire motorhomes. You will find other companies advertised in the specialist magazines, Motorcaravan Motorhome Monthly, Motor Caravan Monthly, Which Motorcaravan and Motorhome Monthly.
